How near is clarified day by day.
On the off-chance that anyone is still following this story, here is the update through today.
What’s the reverse of exponential? I can’t remember. But Grandma is declining that way. Benjamin is the only family member who hasn’t yet arrived. He comes in tonight.
Is it hugely depressing to have your family gather and share tearful good-byes with you? Mourning you while you are still alive? I think now I’d have a hard time with that; but I’m seeing now that what I think or feel currently may have little bearing on the last days.
Grandma said when she first got sick that Mom shouldn’t worry about her talking about death, or planning a memorial service, because there was nothing to be worried about– she wouldn’t be giving up on life, it was too precious to her.
And now (though I saw the internal war yesterday, through her words) she is tired enough to just be done. She’s ready to end this fight and go Home. Only it’s never up to us; up to her. So we’re just praying for perfect timing.
She’s pretty non-responsive now, and for me that’s the hardest thing. I mentioned earlier the value I felt, being allowed to see how she was thinking (being “let into her mind” was how I put it), and I don’t know how I’ll feel if that doesn’t happen again. Disappointed at least.
I’ve decided (though I haven’t been able to get a hold of Jay yet) that I want to do a family dinner in her room tonight. I want a fun together-time with all of us, and I want (though I suppose I don’t wholeheartedly expect) the familiar atmosphere will elicit a response from her.